skellaxinscruples: (yumikuri)
 Emotionally challenging day. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong to myself. 

But, Lucas called me today, and I can't even stand how patient he is, how devoted he is. I don't know why anyone would choose to make their lives along side me, like he does, to wait for me to come to my senses like he does, ugh, god, he's so fucking lovely I can't stand it. And he doesn't talk too much. I chided him, today, when he told me I had mixed up two of the bars he frequents, apologizing that I should know better based on all the scintillating details he confides in me about his hangouts (none). But I guess one is like this fucking fantastic, affordable, divey(??? how???) gastropub. Ugh, I want to go visit him for his birthday so bad. I need to come into an unreasonable amount of money ASAP to make that happen. 

Talked to Marcia today, I know I probably shouldn't hint at how vulnerable I feel to her, but I feel like she understands what it's like, to be a certain kind of woman, and she's always so supportive of me. She wants to know about my Patreon. I still want to help her build an Etsy. I hope she's not getting herself in too deep with her abusive ex-family, but then, I should wonder why she now has multiple ex-families. ugh. Complicated. 

KOLcon is tomorrow, and my ride's car is in the shop, if all else fails I'll take a bus to the festivities and leave other problems to future me. Assuming such doesn't fail, I'll shell out for gas at least. I love Ben. I love Alex, too. Those are the only two people I really care about out here much. And they're both, at heart, California people, so I'll never have to worry about losing touch with them. 

I dunno, I'm half-dressed to go get dinner at the sleazy bar across the street, because it's hard to be alone when I feel so overwrought. Everything would be different if I lived with the family I've really built, and I want nothing more than to be with them soon. 
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February 2016

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