skellaxinscruples: (now that i'm a woman//everything is stra)
I guess, if I had to really process it, it feels more like a marriage than a relationship. Because we are making plans for the future, making sacrifices in the now, sacrificing time spent together, for a long term result. I think, if it were less serious, you would break up when you don't have a lot of time for each other. Because the point of a relationship, of that kind of relationship, is to enjoy each other and "be together," whereas the marriage-like thing is more about making a life, doing life together. 

I don't really know when that change happened. We do want to spend time together, and we don't want to take each other for granted, but we are working on our own things now, with the intent to work back to each other, a better future together, taking the next step in our lives. It could easily get lost in the paperwork. 

I think the change happened in him much earlier than it did in me. That is why he was willing to move away, and stay together, and send me part of his paycheck so I would be okay. I know at that point, I had already projected all my life plans at him, and he had agreed to them, but for me it was important that my life plans didn't depend upon him -- I could do it all without him. I don't think he felt the same need to distinguish his autonomy. He had expressed before, when I had asked, that he wouldn't feel comfortable with me spending more than six months away, but maybe that's because he felt like I was more likely to jump ship. But more likely, he just hadn't really thought about it.

I'll admit that, knowing this, I think about what it would be like to make some big declaration or gesture; a ring, a wedding, you know. I am not proud to admit those things, I feel guilty for placing reverence in symbols. I know if I said that to him directly, it would repulse him, because he has an instant sense of revulsion at things that can be categorized as obligation. Another thing I have to do! is his least favorite thing to do, he thrives on freedom, just like I do. 

I know all the work he's doing now isn't just for me, it's for him, it's so he has any future at all. But the future he wants is the one with me, that's what he has in mind. He is willing to go with me anywhere, and that's kind of scary, because that means I'm deciding his future, too. 

It's strange, to have gotten this far.  To see things change, to be doing things, conducting my relationships in this direction. 


skellaxinscruples: (rosa is not smiling)
 Today is just one of those days where I feel a little sad to start with, since Lucas didn't call me last night like he said he would. Instead, he spent some hours playing video games with the guys on Mumble, even though I was there. 

In general, I'm kind of feeling really polarized about the relationship; I somehow am finding that I trust his devotion to me more, but also that he's very negligent of me, doesn't spend meaningful time with me on a regular basis, so I wonder what it is he's even devoted to... I wonder who I am to him, and why he wants to be with me, if he doesn't make time for me on a regular basis. 

I caught him for a few minutes this morning, and expressed that displeasure. He said his phone had died, but still, he could have said something, or maybe spent some time in a channel alone with me, you know? And he was defensive, he said how he feels like he can't do anything without being attacked, and I said I just wanted some quality time on a regular basis, you know? And he admits that's perfectly reasonable... and then he left to go shower and go to school. Said he loved me. 

I don't know. It wasn't that bad of an interaction, but it leaves a slightly sad haze on the rest of the day. 

Now, my mother is downstairs, and she's waiting for an air conditioner technician to come over and take a look at my broken A/C unit, and give an estimate. I'm pretty sure we're not going to get any better than $2,800 for a new compressor. sigh.

After that, my mom is going to take me to the MVD so I can get an ID card so I can get my money out of Amazon payments and into my bank account (wherefrom I cannot yet spend it, as I need my debit card to arrive).

Now she's here. She came in while I was on the porch feeding the cats for a second, which I feel is disruptive to my autonomy. If I'm not answering the door, maybe there's a reason for it. I mean, yes, utilitarian, can't leave a repairman waiting, but it really makes me uneasy when she enters without me letting her in. 

I'm getting a roommate soon, not one I wanted. I don't mind her, though. She's one of my sister's friends, and her parents refuse to support her going to school, they want her to drop out and take care of her, and so they're disowning her for not. She's apparently studious, likes cats and food and anime, will do all the cleaning herself and whatnot and stay out of my way. Honestly, that kind of person makes me nervous, I don't want to make her uncomfortable with my lifestyle. I worry about how she'll feel when she hears me screaming "FUCK MY ASS, DADDY" from my bedroom when I'm camming. 

I hope we don't have any conflict, she's one my little sister's best friends, so maybe we can get along. 

Ugh now she's inspecting things, reattaching the fire alarms even though I told her they need new batteries, telling me to call the insurance to get my card, I hate it when she comes in and tells me to do things. The insurance isn't her business, she's not paying any of my medical expenses any more, leave me alone, geez...

I am barely on my first coffee of the day, and I haven't eaten. I just want to feel comforted. 

and I miss madeline...

skellaxinscruples: (the woman! all the women!)
 All I do is work these days. And yet it's not for so much money yet. I've started keeping spreadsheets of all that I do, to compel me to be more productive. I actually have started investigating which ad companies are queer friendly. I've sent a query letter; the response was positive. 

I was kinda living on lentils and rice for a week. Then I ran out of lentils. Then I ran out of rice. 

Seeker was supposed to buy me a pizza, but the fryer at Pizza Hut broke, so they had to sub in something else for free, and then when the pizza showed up, they needed to see the ordering card... which is impossible, as he is in Australia. It was so close, I could have just grabbed it and run. I should have. I was so hungry and tired. 

My internet bill has been past due for 3 weeks now. The only reason they haven't shut me off, probably, is because I paid part of it. 2.79 before the bill was due, then a few days ago a friend chipped in another 24 or so, and now only 20.50 is left. Shoe said he'd pay it, but his card was declined for some reason, ugh. That makes me wary of having anyone else try to pay it either. Every day I wake up with internet is a blessing, because that's the only outlet I have, that's how I talk to people, that's how I make money, that's how I stay sane. I like to imagine the reason, though, that they haven't disconnected me yet is that someone who works at the ISP loves me. My periods of disconnection have increased, in the last two days. In reality, I know that's because my router has corrupted firmware, but I like to imagine that's actually my secret admirer arguing with his coworkers to show me mercy; this back and forth of dramatically plugging and unplugging a cord. 

I mean, odds are that they just haven't noticed me, but, the story is compelling. If they did disconnect me, I'd have to pay a reactivation fee, ugh. 

I miss Madeleine. Since she's been back, she still hasn't been as accessible as she was before. She's going to vanish again in a few days... I hate it. I miss her affection. I know there's a lot going on, she's dating someone now, but I felt like we had something, and now I can't reach her any more. She sent me some BTC to buy acid, and we've had a few conversations about condoms and I won really hard at Words With Friends again, but nothing as meaningful as the way we used to talk. It hurts. sigh. 

So, even though I'd determined my fixation with the yumikuri pairing wasn't all to do with her (it wasn't), I think I should probably change my desktop to not being yumikuri fanarts, because it makes me a little sad. 

I think my name is Amalthea, now. I ended up using it as an alias on the sites I write for, and I feel comfortable looking at it, wearing it as my self-concept. I've emerged from the wandering jelly phase of Squirxical, after the long elusive trek of Etcetera. I am starting to form together, to a whole, to a person again. I like this person better than the one I was. I won't ask anyone to call me anything different from the name they met me on, but it's strange... strange feeling, to attach to a name again. I felt a little ostentatious taking the name of a unicorn, but now I don't feel like that's too much to ask.

I told my mom about my monetized blog idea, and she really loved the idea of making a WAH resource for queer people, and she said she'd actually front all of the start up costs -- hosting, software, domain, everything. I was blown away. She said she was very proud of me. 

She said those words directly, "very proud," about how she felt about me.

I never hear those words so directly... I hear them used for my sister, but never for me. So, it means a lot, to finally be doing something my mother will be proud of. So, I guess I'll really dedicate myself to it. I feel strongly about it, I feel like it's important, like it could really help people. 

Marcia, my step-mother, signed papers putting my mother on the deed for where I live, so she can't evict me any more. So, my living situation is stable. However, she's still holding my little sister's cat hostage. Mom and Sedona are so amazed that I still want a relationship with Marcia, that I don't hate her like they do. I am maybe too forgiving, and maybe not living with her for as long as they did, I didn't see her the same way. Marcia wasn't as invasive with me as she was with everyone else; she was at peace with me being vague. This person they describe is hard for me to fathom. I will not push for them to relate to her in any way. Maybe I have been deceived. I feel pity and compassion for her. Maybe I am too soft.

I am learning how to churn out content on a regular basis, doing all this shitblogging for these pay-to-x sites, which really was my goal, moreso than the actual earning. The earning was the carrot on the stick for training myself to do something of value. Now I can start writing for real content mills that pay like $8 per post, hopefully.

I am starting to think that maybe I can stop believing that Lucas will leave me when he meet someone else who is local and fun. I mean, I've already accepted that he wants to come with me when I move, it's just that I also think that something could just as easily throw him off path, something convenient. Maybe. I miss him too. He works a lot, he goes to school for long hours, and so I haven't spent much time talking to him lately... sigh. 

I need cuddles. 


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skellaxinscruples

February 2016

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