skellaxinscruples: (now that i'm a woman//everything is stra)
I guess, if I had to really process it, it feels more like a marriage than a relationship. Because we are making plans for the future, making sacrifices in the now, sacrificing time spent together, for a long term result. I think, if it were less serious, you would break up when you don't have a lot of time for each other. Because the point of a relationship, of that kind of relationship, is to enjoy each other and "be together," whereas the marriage-like thing is more about making a life, doing life together. 

I don't really know when that change happened. We do want to spend time together, and we don't want to take each other for granted, but we are working on our own things now, with the intent to work back to each other, a better future together, taking the next step in our lives. It could easily get lost in the paperwork. 

I think the change happened in him much earlier than it did in me. That is why he was willing to move away, and stay together, and send me part of his paycheck so I would be okay. I know at that point, I had already projected all my life plans at him, and he had agreed to them, but for me it was important that my life plans didn't depend upon him -- I could do it all without him. I don't think he felt the same need to distinguish his autonomy. He had expressed before, when I had asked, that he wouldn't feel comfortable with me spending more than six months away, but maybe that's because he felt like I was more likely to jump ship. But more likely, he just hadn't really thought about it.

I'll admit that, knowing this, I think about what it would be like to make some big declaration or gesture; a ring, a wedding, you know. I am not proud to admit those things, I feel guilty for placing reverence in symbols. I know if I said that to him directly, it would repulse him, because he has an instant sense of revulsion at things that can be categorized as obligation. Another thing I have to do! is his least favorite thing to do, he thrives on freedom, just like I do. 

I know all the work he's doing now isn't just for me, it's for him, it's so he has any future at all. But the future he wants is the one with me, that's what he has in mind. He is willing to go with me anywhere, and that's kind of scary, because that means I'm deciding his future, too. 

It's strange, to have gotten this far.  To see things change, to be doing things, conducting my relationships in this direction. 


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skellaxinscruples

February 2016

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