skellaxinscruples: (rosa is not smiling)
 To be honest, I stopped writing here (and in general) because an easily identifiable anon fuckboy was mean to me. I'm pretty sensitive, if we're honest. 

Today, I finished the last two credits of my undergrad degree. AFAIK, I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL FOREVER.

Wow. The Muppet Show was pretty gdamn intense. 

Anyway, Winegirl is Winegirl. She's inconsistent, often drunk or hungover, gorgeous, slightly ditzy, so very considerate. One day she says "yr such a good frand" and then the next night she gets all worked up asking "ARE WE COMPATIBLE???" and that's... actually pretty much all right with me. That satisfies me. I want both affection and negligence, without imposition, and I have her to be sweet to, so, she's incredibly more of what I wanted than what I had thought I wanted. I had thought I only wanted a physical/sexual relationship, because I didn't want my life to be overtaken, but oddly, a mostly weird feelings with a demisexual girl is... oddly satisfying. There is acceptance between us, and history, but no demand for a derailing future, so, I love her. She introduced me to the convenience of boxed wine, and I'm trying to get her to drink classy and other dumb snobby things I do, but I'm happy to share everything with her regardless.

So, also, yes, the place I'm currently living is secured. It'll be signed off on Monday or Tuesday. I have been trying to get my mother to understand my illness by keeping a journal for her; she says she's learned things. I also instructed her not to respond to it -- passive listening is hard for certain personality types. Passive listening is essential when you are facing something you don't understand and seem to have fundamental differences from. 

I really love Lucas. I'm deep in an introvert hole right now, and he's patient and kind. When I ask of him, he is present. He's currently wrapped up in another hobby (like always), but this one is genuinely good for his health. He's motivated, even. he's going for another year of school, so he can have a better career... this makes my future plans more unstable, but, I am happy for him, and if I'm still there, it will be better for both of us. I could never deny someone their education and potential, after all. Still, learning to cooperate with me is going to be hard for him, since he's generally such a vague person, and I have concrete needs right now. 

Even if, to be honest, I spend most of my time alone and not intimately communicating, this is probably the healthiest poly I've ever had. Right now, what I need is to learn to do things by myself, and to get out of this years long rut (I've gotten pretty far, being that I'm done with school now!) so I can be a better provider for the people I love. 

Adulting is expensive. 

I finally have a smart phone. I bought it from the phone company, it's brand new and official and I earned it and it is mine. I haven't put any money into it yet (but I have a good plan for when I do!) but I have been using it for moneymaking already, and I'm rarely so enamoured of my material possessions, except that this one is a (low ranking) status symbol (because everyone already has one) and that I earned it. All by myself. It is mine. No one can take it away from me. If my other phone got cut off, I wouldn't feel so afraid, because I have this one that I purchased myself, and can fund myself. I guess that is what independence is. 






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skellaxinscruples

February 2016

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