Aug. 4th, 2014

skellaxinscruples: (rosa is not smiling)
 Today is just one of those days where I feel a little sad to start with, since Lucas didn't call me last night like he said he would. Instead, he spent some hours playing video games with the guys on Mumble, even though I was there. 

In general, I'm kind of feeling really polarized about the relationship; I somehow am finding that I trust his devotion to me more, but also that he's very negligent of me, doesn't spend meaningful time with me on a regular basis, so I wonder what it is he's even devoted to... I wonder who I am to him, and why he wants to be with me, if he doesn't make time for me on a regular basis. 

I caught him for a few minutes this morning, and expressed that displeasure. He said his phone had died, but still, he could have said something, or maybe spent some time in a channel alone with me, you know? And he was defensive, he said how he feels like he can't do anything without being attacked, and I said I just wanted some quality time on a regular basis, you know? And he admits that's perfectly reasonable... and then he left to go shower and go to school. Said he loved me. 

I don't know. It wasn't that bad of an interaction, but it leaves a slightly sad haze on the rest of the day. 

Now, my mother is downstairs, and she's waiting for an air conditioner technician to come over and take a look at my broken A/C unit, and give an estimate. I'm pretty sure we're not going to get any better than $2,800 for a new compressor. sigh.

After that, my mom is going to take me to the MVD so I can get an ID card so I can get my money out of Amazon payments and into my bank account (wherefrom I cannot yet spend it, as I need my debit card to arrive).

Now she's here. She came in while I was on the porch feeding the cats for a second, which I feel is disruptive to my autonomy. If I'm not answering the door, maybe there's a reason for it. I mean, yes, utilitarian, can't leave a repairman waiting, but it really makes me uneasy when she enters without me letting her in. 

I'm getting a roommate soon, not one I wanted. I don't mind her, though. She's one of my sister's friends, and her parents refuse to support her going to school, they want her to drop out and take care of her, and so they're disowning her for not. She's apparently studious, likes cats and food and anime, will do all the cleaning herself and whatnot and stay out of my way. Honestly, that kind of person makes me nervous, I don't want to make her uncomfortable with my lifestyle. I worry about how she'll feel when she hears me screaming "FUCK MY ASS, DADDY" from my bedroom when I'm camming. 

I hope we don't have any conflict, she's one my little sister's best friends, so maybe we can get along. 

Ugh now she's inspecting things, reattaching the fire alarms even though I told her they need new batteries, telling me to call the insurance to get my card, I hate it when she comes in and tells me to do things. The insurance isn't her business, she's not paying any of my medical expenses any more, leave me alone, geez...

I am barely on my first coffee of the day, and I haven't eaten. I just want to feel comforted. 

and I miss madeline...

skellaxinscruples: (my dumb anime face)
 exhausting day averted: mom left after a few minutes. i guess she'll take me to the mvd on wednesday. now i can just be sad and spend all day working and writing sad things about music for money like i intended. 

i should make a food.

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