Aug. 2nd, 2014

skellaxinscruples: (the woman! all the women!)
 All I do is work these days. And yet it's not for so much money yet. I've started keeping spreadsheets of all that I do, to compel me to be more productive. I actually have started investigating which ad companies are queer friendly. I've sent a query letter; the response was positive. 

I was kinda living on lentils and rice for a week. Then I ran out of lentils. Then I ran out of rice. 

Seeker was supposed to buy me a pizza, but the fryer at Pizza Hut broke, so they had to sub in something else for free, and then when the pizza showed up, they needed to see the ordering card... which is impossible, as he is in Australia. It was so close, I could have just grabbed it and run. I should have. I was so hungry and tired. 

My internet bill has been past due for 3 weeks now. The only reason they haven't shut me off, probably, is because I paid part of it. 2.79 before the bill was due, then a few days ago a friend chipped in another 24 or so, and now only 20.50 is left. Shoe said he'd pay it, but his card was declined for some reason, ugh. That makes me wary of having anyone else try to pay it either. Every day I wake up with internet is a blessing, because that's the only outlet I have, that's how I talk to people, that's how I make money, that's how I stay sane. I like to imagine the reason, though, that they haven't disconnected me yet is that someone who works at the ISP loves me. My periods of disconnection have increased, in the last two days. In reality, I know that's because my router has corrupted firmware, but I like to imagine that's actually my secret admirer arguing with his coworkers to show me mercy; this back and forth of dramatically plugging and unplugging a cord. 

I mean, odds are that they just haven't noticed me, but, the story is compelling. If they did disconnect me, I'd have to pay a reactivation fee, ugh. 

I miss Madeleine. Since she's been back, she still hasn't been as accessible as she was before. She's going to vanish again in a few days... I hate it. I miss her affection. I know there's a lot going on, she's dating someone now, but I felt like we had something, and now I can't reach her any more. She sent me some BTC to buy acid, and we've had a few conversations about condoms and I won really hard at Words With Friends again, but nothing as meaningful as the way we used to talk. It hurts. sigh. 

So, even though I'd determined my fixation with the yumikuri pairing wasn't all to do with her (it wasn't), I think I should probably change my desktop to not being yumikuri fanarts, because it makes me a little sad. 

I think my name is Amalthea, now. I ended up using it as an alias on the sites I write for, and I feel comfortable looking at it, wearing it as my self-concept. I've emerged from the wandering jelly phase of Squirxical, after the long elusive trek of Etcetera. I am starting to form together, to a whole, to a person again. I like this person better than the one I was. I won't ask anyone to call me anything different from the name they met me on, but it's strange... strange feeling, to attach to a name again. I felt a little ostentatious taking the name of a unicorn, but now I don't feel like that's too much to ask.

I told my mom about my monetized blog idea, and she really loved the idea of making a WAH resource for queer people, and she said she'd actually front all of the start up costs -- hosting, software, domain, everything. I was blown away. She said she was very proud of me. 

She said those words directly, "very proud," about how she felt about me.

I never hear those words so directly... I hear them used for my sister, but never for me. So, it means a lot, to finally be doing something my mother will be proud of. So, I guess I'll really dedicate myself to it. I feel strongly about it, I feel like it's important, like it could really help people. 

Marcia, my step-mother, signed papers putting my mother on the deed for where I live, so she can't evict me any more. So, my living situation is stable. However, she's still holding my little sister's cat hostage. Mom and Sedona are so amazed that I still want a relationship with Marcia, that I don't hate her like they do. I am maybe too forgiving, and maybe not living with her for as long as they did, I didn't see her the same way. Marcia wasn't as invasive with me as she was with everyone else; she was at peace with me being vague. This person they describe is hard for me to fathom. I will not push for them to relate to her in any way. Maybe I have been deceived. I feel pity and compassion for her. Maybe I am too soft.

I am learning how to churn out content on a regular basis, doing all this shitblogging for these pay-to-x sites, which really was my goal, moreso than the actual earning. The earning was the carrot on the stick for training myself to do something of value. Now I can start writing for real content mills that pay like $8 per post, hopefully.

I am starting to think that maybe I can stop believing that Lucas will leave me when he meet someone else who is local and fun. I mean, I've already accepted that he wants to come with me when I move, it's just that I also think that something could just as easily throw him off path, something convenient. Maybe. I miss him too. He works a lot, he goes to school for long hours, and so I haven't spent much time talking to him lately... sigh. 

I need cuddles. 


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